I'd be a good mystic if I didn't care what people thought of me

Or, if I didn't enjoy driving my car as much as I do.

Or, if I wasn't so lazy.

Or, if I didn't like TV so much.

Basically, I'd like the freedom to live a "timeless" existence, renouncing all obligation to the world and my "career." But I can't -- or, at least I don't think that I can. My sense of identity comes from things other than God, as much as I wish it didn't. It comes from my sense of accomplishment. It comes from the cool stuff I own. It even comes from the sports teams I follow.

I wish I could find some middle ground between mystic and hedonist -- a place where my identity is solely in God but where I freely enjoy my work and play because God has redeemed it to the point where it actually means something. That being called from the world by God, He sends me back into the world to live and play and actually do some good.

Without a community that encourages and challenges me to do that, I can't. Without people who care about me enough to speak truth to my face, I can't be strong enough to find that "middle" place.

Is this blame-shifting? Kind of. But it's also a confession that I haven't really joined a community that I listen or submit to. Until I do that, perhaps I should just stop whining.

[Humming: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"]